Thursday, December 24, 2015

Season of gratefulness

It's the season of gratefulness.
And I am most grateful for those who make the best out of me. Without saying anything, without trying, without guiding. Those who inspire me to dance and write, who inspire me to quit whatever is not good for my soul and for those who just randomly swing into my life and decide to stay. Grateful for those who share hugs and maybe only quick "Hello"-s, but leaving me with so much - their energy, laughter, warmth, silliness and hope. The ones who decide to fight for their own creation and are always up spirit... even when things aren't going the way they naturally planned.
I am most grateful for those who have taught how not to be jealous and taught me that I simply need to do the things for myself... so I can help others. For those who move me when I need a push and for those who see me when I need a time for a break.
It's the season of gratefulness.
And even though it has been the year of hunger games, endless tears and honest fights... it has also been the most wonderful year full of connection and humour.
Connecting with people I never though I would connect this way.
Re-connecting, just-met-ting, out-growing.
Being so high. And the lowest I've ever experienced.
Luckily now there's only one way to climb back up. With laughter. With humour. With hope and revolution in me.
With heart full of gratefulness.

Year full of unlucky decisions... and extremely lucky accidents.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Lase rusikad lahti. vol kaks - inimesed

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Mõtle siiralt kätele, mida oled hoidnud ning headusele, mida oled kandnud.

Lase rusikad lahti ja lehvita. Viibuta sellele juhile, kes laseb sind üle tee ning väikelapsega emale, kes bussis otsib istekohta mitte ainult endale. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa. Neid, kes on su ümber, kes omavad enda mõtteid, tundeid ja nägemusi. Austa neid, kes ei jaksa teistele vastata samaga. Nad väärivad püüdluse eest siirast applausi. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad mitte armastada "traditsiooni" ja suru neil kätt, kes julgevad armastada leidmata selle definitsiooni. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära muretse, kust veganid saavad proteiini. Vaata enda suhu ning taipa, kas su elu jagab sulle piisavalt adrenaliini. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja jäta emotsioonide sõda. Kõik selles haiget saavad, kuid vaid üksikud paranevad, teistele jäävad sügavad haavad. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja püüa kinni, mis maha kukub. Pole olemas kedagi, kes kord abi ei vajaks, on aga vähe neid, kes seda pakub.

Lase rusikad lahti ja osta midagi, mis hoopis su hinge paitab. Naudi teatrit, mine tantsi või laula, tee midagi, mis ka ennast aitab. Ära ainult näe, vaid kohe julgelt vaata - kõike poole pepuga tehes võid end kohe kirest eemale saata. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja austa neid, kes sinuga sama värvi ei jaga. Pole midagi inimlikumat kui inimlikkus ning aksepteerimine silmade taga. Austa neid, kes kodus ei saa olla, ava käed ning võta nad enda hõlma alla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja paita pisikesi kodu otsijaid. Kas vanemad pole õpetanud, et aidatakse abivajajaid? 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda ees ajalehed. Vii end kurssi, mis toimub, enne kui oma mäeotsa taas eksisteerima lähed. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja hoia oma ümbrust. Austa loodust ja klassikalist kirjandust. Kasvata usaldust ja vahel vaata kahtlevalt teadust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ava enda uks või süda või mõistus, sellele, kes varem koputanud ei ole. Õhtud ei anna alati vastuseid, küsi uuesti hommikupoole. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning pane käima muusika, mis kõiki inimesi ühendab.
Lase rusikad lahti ning lausu eksinuile sõnu, mis neis hirmu vähendab. 
Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta erinevusi enda kõrval.
Lase rusikad lahti ning armasta hommikuid nagu pühapäeval.

Lase rusikad lahti ning saa tuttavaks enda kõrval seisva inimesega. 
Usalda kõhutunnet ning proovi vaadata südamega.

Lase rusikad lahti
ning lama kellegagi vanalinnas keset teed
vaadates tähti. 


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Mu vabadus

Nad ütlevad, et ma teen õigesti.
Aga ometi nad ei usalda mind.
Miks?
Sest nad ei usaldaks iseennast.
Nad ei paneks ennast
sellisesse situatsiooni.
Kus seisab kätes vaid vabadus.
Miks?
Sest vabadus on kõige õudsam õnn,
mida inimene kogeda saab.
Sellega ei oska midagi peale hakata.
Miks?
Sest sul on vastutus.
Iseenda ees.
Ja ainus usaldus.
Iseenda sees.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Lase rusikad lahti. vol üks

Lase rusikad lahti ja vaata oma käsi. Kui palju oled sa nendega juba teinud, keda puudutanud ja paitanud, kelle eest hoolt kandnud ja kui iseenda eest võidelnud. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja mässi oma käed teise ümber. Kallista seda, kellest aru sa ei saa, sest äkki siis hakkad mõistma. Kuula teda nii lähedalt, nii täpselt, et sõnad, mida lausub, muutuvad üheks sinuga.

Lase rusikad lahti ja ära reageeri, kui keegi lausub midagi, millesse ei usu sa. Iga hetk, situatsioon ja inimene ei vaja su energiat ja kisa. Nad ei oota seda. Nad ei ole tihti seda väärt. Vahel võid enda tähelepanu sulgeda.

Lase rusikad lahti ja otsi headust. Vaata, kellele saad tänaval oma käe anda ning vaata, kellele saad kodus lausuda "Hommikust." 
Lase rusikad lahti ja tule oma kupli alt südame juurde. Mida kõike sa võiksid kätega teha, korda saata, muuta ja siis taipaksid, kuidas astuda armastusse suurde. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja vii lilli põhjuseta. Ole haavatav põhjuseta. Ole eksinud põhjuseta. Ole vait põhjuseta. Naera põhjuseta. 
Ole hooliv tingimusteta.

Lase rusikad lahti, et saaksid kirjutada. Ükskõik, millest hoolid sa. Või kui ei soovi, et siis saaksid joonistada.

Lase rusikad lahti ja haara päikesest. Või haara kuust või tähtedest. Kuid haara sellest, mis sind edasi viib, haara sellest, kelleta ei oleks sa siin.

Lase rusikad lahti ja nopi marju, mida saaksid hiljem süüa. Ning järgmine kord viia aga naabrinaisele külla. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja näita oma inimlikkust. Kui sa oled haavatav või eksid, kui oled ehmunud kui eksid. Kui ei toitu sa vaid teiste ebaõnnest, vaid nende tõelisi saavutusi kuulaksid. Ütle "aitäh" isegi kui tunned kohmetust ning näita teed võõrale ja lõpus jaga ka julgustavat naeratust. 

Lase rusikad lahti ja ole inimene. 
Ära muretse, kui vahel jutt ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on kapis luukeresid, millest hoidutakse. 
Ära muretse, kui vahel meie jalad ei jookse. Ja see on okei. Meil kõigil on lendutõusmiseks vaja, et meist hoolitakse.

Lase rusikad lahti, sest muidu, kellegi käest sa kinni hoida ei saa. Vaatad ja näed, kuidas võiks... aga avada ennast ei suuda. 

Lase rusikad lahti ning hoia kätes, seda kellega igatsed tantsida. 
Lase rusikad lahti ning luba endale maailma ja inimkonda armastada. 
Lase rusikad lahti ning ära harjumusest sulge neid.
Usalda elu ja austa juhuseid.


Monday, December 7, 2015

The truth behind "Hey Laura"


Sa lased kella ning mitte keegi ei vasta. Ja sa vajutad uuesti, sest loodad, et oled siiski selle õige ukse taga. 

Inimesed vaatavad mulle otsa ja küsivad, kus on su emotsioon? Mille nimel see kõik?
Aga see olin mina. Tühi emotsioonidest, oodates maavärinat ja selle tulemusi ning koputades valele uksele. 
Koputan korraks kõigile südamele, sest peame taipama ja leppima, et emotsioone on rohkem kui algeline õnnelikkus ja kurbus. Kõik need varjundid seal vahel on omamoodi ausad ja tõesed, oleneb vaid, kas me soovime neid näidata ja seejärel märgata. 
Me kardame seda reaalset emotsiooni - seda horisontaalset ilmet, mis meid kõiki vahel valdab. Ennast teadlikult peegeldades me alati naeratame või teeme midagi, mida soovime endast jäädvustada... ning see on väga normaalne ja kohane mälestuste ning minapildi esiletõsmiseks. Kuid miks mitte vaadata ennast vahel kõrvalt siis, kui meid valdab emotsioon, mida peeglist me isegi iseendale ei taha näidata? Ükskõiksust, tühjust, tüdimust, igapäevasust, ebameeldivat mustrit. 

Nii mõndagi ehmatas see ära - mitte, et emotioon oleks nii dramaatiliselt kõikuv või üllatav - vaid neid üllatas minu igapäevasuse ning selle koreograafia vahe. Või just samastavus. Samuti üllatas neid taipamine, et - julgen öelda kuus kuud, kui mitte rohkem, - nägid nad mind sellisena... teadmata, kuidas ma koguaeg kella helistan. Võib-olla teades, aga mitte aktiivselt tunnistades. 
Tühjus mu silmis ja sellel hetkel ka hinges oli tagamõttega. Vahel peegeldab emotsioon niivõrd tugevalt olevikku, et tekitab ebamugavust. Tõeline haavatavus tekitab ebamugavust. Mitte olla "nii kõrgel armastuses" ja siis "nii madalal tükkideks" tekitab ebamugavust. Kus on piir, mis on päris ja mis on tagasitoodud tõesus?
Ma ei olnud eksinud ega mõelnud, kas seisan vale maja ees. Usun, et teadsin seda juba kaua aega, aga lootsin, et miskit sellest seismisest muutub. Lootsin vastuseid ilma küsimusi esitamata. Ja nii ma tiksusin, teadmata, kas see on paratamatus või saab olukord muutuda. Igaüks mu teel oli pandud pausile, mu tegevused ja inspiratsioon oli pausil ning eelkõige olin pausil mina. Ärkasin üles oma võõras igapäevas, tegin neid samu liigutusi, ootasin muutust ja läksin magama sama võõra igapäevaga. Tõmbasin enda juurde rohkem apaatsust, kui tundelisust; rohkem igavust kui spontaansust ning rohkem võõrast kui hingelisust.
Kõik oli pausil ning ei, mitte "puhkusel" vaid konkreetsel pausil.
Ja ma tahan vabandada kõiki ees, kes lootsid sel teel mu seest hommikuvalgust kätte saada. Sealt tuli vaid ebamäärast äikesetormi.
Uudishimulikele inimkeeles ma selgitada ei soovi... sest säärane uudishimu ajab uppi. 

Hetkel näen enda ümber ja lähedal nii mitmeid inimesi, keda raputatakse iga päev tühjaks nagu soolatoosi. Kõige rohkem kurvastab mind, kuidas nad on leppinud sellega... kuidas nende jaoks ei ole enam olemas jõuluvana - mis on arusaadav - kuid nad ei leia enam "aseainet." 
Midagi nad siiski ootavad ja loodavad, kuna uksematilt nad kaugemale ära ei julge astuda. Kardavad, et asi võib veel hullemaks minna. Kuid sellisel hetkel ma soovin, et nad mõistaksid - sellest saab ainult paremaks minna. 


Mul oli vaja endale otsa vaadata. Soovisin asetada ennast olukorda, kus ma teen midagi nii mehhaaniliselt, et sellest kaob maagia ja lapselikkus, edasiviiv jõud. Tahtsin vaid näha, mis on valesti oma olevikus, et muuta enda tulevikku. Ma olin küllalt olnud tüdinud, tühi ja jõuetu - lootuses, et midagi paraneb, aga õigupoolest ei parane mustri rikkumisega midagi. Muster tuleb kustutada ning uut alustada. 
See on see rumal tunne, kui vaatan endale praegu selles liikumises otsa - kuidas ma ootasin valget laeva. Seisin iga päev samas sadamas, ümisesin sama laulu ja mõtlesin päevast päeva samu mõtteid, milles puudusid ideed ja naer. 

Jumal tänatud, et sealt sai välja tuldud. Sellistel hetkedel ennast kõrvalt vaadates saan aru, kes ma olen. Ja see ei ole (olnud) mina. See on mina teises ajas, teises ruumis, teises seisundis. Kuid hetkekski polnud see minu naturaalne, hingepõhjast põlev, üüratute uudishimulike silmadega põrnitsev "mina."

Me jõuame varem ja hiljem sinna, kus me peame olema. Mul võttis see teistsuguse pöörde... aga ma jõudsin koju. Võõrastav on end nüüd selles ruumis vaadata... vaatad ennast, aga ei tunne ära. 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Chase whatever feels good

Whether it ends good or bad, it was an experience. 

It's important to give it all you have while you have the chance. 
Talent without work is nothing. Work without passion is nothing. Passion without life is nothing. 


Nobody tells you how it's going to work out, if it's going to work out and whether it's going be now or tomorrow or the next year. As long as you work with your passions and soul you are on the right track. When you feel like home then make the place as beautiful as you are. Sometimes you need to lock yourself in your room and dance or paint or sing your lungs out just to get some clarity. Work on what makes you happy and what feeds you more than food will ever do. Please do not care about how others are doing things... or do care but don't compare - it will kill your creativity, will put your soul into a cage and you will start hesitating your journey... But you can't compare a rabbit's and a turtle's speed - they are different as day and night and so are people. 

We are getting every year more and more caught up in our heads - education is important but it's more important to know why are you learning, what are you learning and what you can do with it or after it. We know so much but forgot so fast, we get so much but we don't last. So much education yet nobody has thought us how to love ourselves, how to live with your own passion and wilderness and why it's so important to love, overall. 

It's totally fine to take risks, it's totally fine to fail but it's not OK to give up because of "reasons." Reasons you say to yourself, reasons that other are barking about. As long as you enjoy waking up, smiling and life... you're doing an amazing job. It doesn't mean that every day is the high point of your life but it means that every day you know that you have the inner peace with you. 
Don't lose that. Don't lose your inner child. 


When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars. 
When the morning arrives, get up and work for the stars. And not for the commercial stars... but with your own thing. Dance, do math, get physically moving, enjoy scrabble, read, get your hands dirty in your yard, start a family with love... whatever means "stars" to you - is OK. It's your stars... not anybody else's. 
People are getting caught up between living and "finding your passion." But your life shouldn't be the stress about "your passion" and even worse "always looking for it"... do what ever suits you, what ever rows your boat. Even if you have to do the job you hate but you get the money you need to travel - do it. If traveling feeds you, then do it. Do whatever   y o u   need. 
Stars without passion is nothing. Passion without life is nothing. Life without living is nothing. 

Don't go back to less... just because you're impatient. 
Share the love you love. Look for inspiration but still, please, darling, go for it... do your thing. 


Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The beauty of Wednesday

My heart is going to gave in
to all the beauty and magic
to all the sorrow and lost
and it's just the beginning. 


I have no words.
No words to describe the luck, the mystery and the bliss. The dots have been connected and I've returned to where I belong. My head found a bridge to my heart and my heart found a highway to my body. It's the bubble of presence - breathing in the music, swallowing the laughter and touching everything that is full of love. Or what needs love.
To make broken so beautiful is a remarkable talent. To walk with flowers on shoulders, melodies in lungs and Universe by hand. To be careful with falling but still admiring the existence of love. To make the days count, not to count the days.

To make broken so beautiful... is a remarkable talent when you decide to fix the broken with beauty.
And a whole lot of laughter and joy.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Kodu jaoks mul aega on

Ta teretas mind ja ma hakkasin kartma.
Mulle tundus, et ma olen jõudnud koju. Kuid mul ei ole võtmeid. Ma ei vaevunud neid kordagi otsimast koti põhjast või kuulutama neid kadunuks. Lubasin endale, et kui mulle ühel päeval see võtmekimp antakse, siis on see aususe ja siirusega. Eelkõige usaldusega. Eelkõige kodu armastusega. 

Mind saatis pilk, millele ma ei osanud vastata kuna arvasin, et kodu ei märka. Olin veendunud, et mina pean ju kodu leidma, seda otsima ja selle tuvastama. Ma ei arvanud, et asjad äkki võivad käia ka teistpidi. Avastasin, kui palju mulle jääb märkamatuks kuna olen harjunud asju nägema vaid enda moodi. Olen harjunud mingite mustritega, mis ei vii mind tegelikult kordagi ukseni. 

Ainus, mida jõudsin mõelda, kui tema olemasolu teadvustasin oli... aga äkki on see kodu liiga hea minu jaoks? 
Esmakordne tunne. Mustri puudus. Õhk oli kentsakalt pehme. Kõik oli rütmist väljas. Ja samas nii rütmis.
Liiga hea? Õige. 
Iseenesel peabki kasvuruumi olema. 
Ja see hirmutab... sest vahel ma tunnen end kui kodus. 



Soovisin lõpetada taas need kodu mõtted sellega, kuidas "Äkki see ei ole minu kodu. Ei ole hullu."
Kuid äkki see on.
Äkki nõuabki kodu aega. Head aega. Vaikset aega. Tasapisi kõndimist. Tasapisi kolimist.

Kui mul midagi ei ole... siis aega mul on.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Paragraph I - What I've done?

Or I will do?

*push play* 



I get this fear based reaction of "Aren't you afraid that it won't work out?" Following by: "Aren't you afraid that this is the wrong move? What are you thinking? What about future? Aren't you just AFRAID?"

Short answer is "Yes..." Followed by: "But what if it works?" and "What if it doesn't and I'm still glad that I took the ride?"
There are so many things in life that we should be afraid of... For example driving and drinking; driving and texting... or nowadays even walking and texting. Or bears? Or illness? Or lost of a family member? Lost of your own life?
There are so... SO many things where and when it's OK to be afraid... but not in your everyday, present, full of wonders, life. It's not acceptable to be afraid of what we want, and who we are, and our creation, and mind, and body. And so on. And so on.

My last answer to all of this is: "It's not about giving up. It's about putting yourself first and making decisions of which will help you to take steps on the road of... you."
You know... we always turn the car around when we are driving to the wrong direction. Aren't we?
So why is it so scary to do that in life?

Why are we afraid of ourselves?
Or the non-existent future?

Monday, November 9, 2015

"Don't fall in love in the moment..."

"... and think you are in love with the girl." 

He sat there, eyes locked to mine and we both knew what we were thinking. And in that brief moment everything came back to me. Every familiar move, conversation and comfortable vibe, every answered and missed phone call and every laughter. Or fight. Or anger.

"What if." My mind told - well actually screamed at me - thousands ideas in only few seconds. The air was so delicate and full of memories, maybe even some unfinished business and dishonesty. I wanted to burst out every little thought of mine - what he did, what I did, what is going on in my life and how apologising is not the answer. My head whispered to me that maybe... maybe this is faith... but suddenly everything got quiet. I doubted. My gut and heart took over my head and emotions... They were pretty sure that it's actually a moment of "goodbye" and finally letting go of the past.

I left and I was suddenly so caught up by the "what if-s." I was slowing down my pace, thinking if I should run back and give the moment one more look. Chance. Time.
But I didn't.
I guess this means I have grown.
And I will be ready if the right one is there in front of me, eyes locked to mine and then there's no time for "what if-s".


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Haav paraneb vaid siis kui seda ei puuduta

See suveõhtu, kui ma õppisin kiirelt jalgrattaga sõitma, kukkusin ma ka sama kiirelt. Ja valu või ehmatus, mis suvises Tõraveres mu meeltesse lõi on ikka veel mul mälestustes.
Katkisele põlvele pandi peale plaaster, mis sai sealt maha kistud juba järgneva kolme päeva jooksul. Kas ma lasksin sellel haaval iseseisvalt paraneda ilma seda puutumata? Ei lasknud. Sellest ka arm ja mälestus igavesti mu nahal, kuid mis tänu paranamisele on võtnud armsa minevikupildi.

Ja nii ongi.
Esmalt ma võin poetada pisara või tantsida ennast tühjaks. Järgnevalt liikuda edasi ja pühkida kõik, mis teele ette jääb või ette jäi. Nüüd, hiljem, saada aru, kui väga on vaja leppida hetkelise valuga ning lasta endal oma soodu paraneda.
Valikuid on kaks. Kui mitte rohkem. Vähemalt ei tule mul ühtegi muud pähe.

Ma võin haava paranemise korral kiskuda pealt kooriku (sõna, mis mulle ei meeldi) ning alustada taas ootamist, millal see lõplikult paraneb. Selle käigus tunnen ma taas pisut valu, aga ka naudingut, kui hea on vanades sahtlites sobrada. Ma teen endale korduvalt haiget mõeldes: "Aga nüüd?" Kas nüüd paraneb? Kas nüüd ma olen valmis edasi liikuma? Kas nüüd on õige aeg edasi liikuda? Kas ma üldse tahan, tegelikult, edasi liikuda?
Ja siis ma kisun. Ja näpin. Ja nokin. Ja vaatan, kuidas ma tekitan endale kipitust ja möödunu olevikku toomist. Ise teadmata, kas ma üldse tahan tagasi või kas see on seda väärt. Ise teadmata, kui kergelt võib kõik paraneda, kui jätaksin oma haava aja hoolde.

Aga... Ma võin marrastuse saades seda vaadata ja teadvustada, et see on olemas. Mu kehal. Halval juhul ka hinges. Halvimal juhul südames. Ma mõistan ta olemasolu ning ebameeldivust, mida võib valu ja ravi ning eelkõige ootamine tekitada. Aga ma aksepteerin, et ta on nüüd mu küljes... või kehas või sees. Ma võtan vastu teadmise, kui palju haiget see võib teha või kui palju haiget võib ehmatus tekitada. Lepin sellega, mõistan põhjuseid, miks see tuli ning olen kannatlikult valmis ootama, et ta saaks parimal viisil endiseks. Märkan iga päevaga, kuidas ta kaob, terveneb ja millise kuju võtab ta lõppfaasis.
Ja haav paraneb oma soodu. Mu nahale jääb vaid arm, mis märgistab möödunud õnne, armastust ja proovimist. Arm kaunistab mu mälestusi, naerdud naere, spontaanseid päikesetõuse ja kirjutatud tuviposti.
Kuid mis peamine... ta ei tee enam valu. Mitte vähematki. Ja see on nõudnud aega, lõpmatuid tantsusamme ja muusikat. Mõnel korral magamata öid ja tühipaljast juttu.
Kuid ta ei tee enam midagi. Ta lihtsalt on.
On.
Mälestamas midagi head ja meeldetuletamas...
kuidas peab taas õppima jalgrattaga sõitma.


Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Your dreams are incredibly loud

*push play* 


I don't take my luck for granted. I don't know if I move them or not. I don't have the power of changing them or even making them think. All I can do is let the magic happen by doing what I feel is important, by listening and by being gentle with their souls.
I need to move myself first in the need of moving them. And when it comes to dancing...

Then of course I do it for me. To get out the shiver, to share the emotion and maybe a piece of my present.
But mainly for you. To maybe make you understand a bit that you are not on your own with the hesitations, insecurities and love. That I will try to lift you up by showing how to fly or I'll try to lift you up by going on the ground and taking the steps with you.
I move for everybody. Everybody who can see the other side of the picture.

Darling, it's about the decision. We always share our best bits online... but we never share the emotion. Have no worries, being heart broken, sad, disappointed and out of sync is totally OK, as far as you are willing to search the resolution and heal.


I know I have lost some great battles but I also know that now the progress begins. The last dots will be connected soon and I will be one. Whole. Complete.
Not to spoil the ending for you... but everything is going to be alright.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Sentimental reasons

He visited me in my dreams and the moment I saw him I knew, I'm not healed. And it's okay.
I guess the magic comes from the unknown of how is he, what's it's like on the other side and how life turned of for him. It comes from the laughter and sentimental movies, words and greeting cards.
"Nostalgia, it's delicate but potent. In Greek, "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge from your heart far more powerful than memory alone - a feeling from a place we ache to go again."

Is it time to put the summer breeze into a box of goods and leave it there to settle? Place the box to the highest self and be ready for an autumn breeze? Is it time?
Acceptance is achievable, but is letting go also?
It's strange to be stuck... because I never know if it is still a fresh wound or just an aching memory of the paper cut.



I woke up this morning with tons of confusion yet a happiness in my heart. Rolling up the curtains, seeing how the cold autumn is petting the leaves and feeling how the morning sun is following me with my stretches.
I've created a habit of putting my phone on an airplane mode when I'm sleeping and I'm unlocking it only after my morning routine (doing yoga, getting ready, having breakfast and so on). This "trick" is making me more present and I'm starting to realise again the value of real time.
Last night I created myself a monthly journal which I fulfil in the mornings and in the evenings before going to sleep. The diary is about taking time for yourself, finding happiness and creativity, and being grateful of the day ahead and behind. If it leads me on a good path... then you all can get a simple pdf copy of it.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Ohutu filter

Miks ei tee ma seda, mida tunnen, et peaksin tegema? Mitte isegi seda, mida tahaksin teha - vaid just nimelt seda, mida peaksin tegema, milleks olen tulnud ja mida loodud tegema.

Nii väga kui üks inimlik hing ka ei sooviks eksida või kardaks eksida - nii samuti on muidugi ka minuga. Võib-olla ei ole asi kartuses. Lugu on haiget saamises ning see kõlab justkui nii nagu oleksin elus läbi elanud palju ebaõnnestumisi - ei. Aga ma olen viimaste aegade seikade tõttu loonud endale võõra filtri, kes lepib paratamatusega ega julge end raputada lahti rutiinist.
Muidugi on teatud filtrite omamine kasulik - kohtudes uute inimestega, olles võõras situatsioonis või seistes silmitsi uue informatsiooniga. Kuid minu enda ja maailma vahel ei tohiks olla filtrit. See õudne plastik on mind ära lõiganud mu loomupärastest tegevustest, soovidest ja kreatiivsusest.
Ma ei karda eksida, kuna seda tuleb igapäevaselt ette. Küll aga kardan endale haiget teha ning teada saada: "Äkki ma ei tunnegi tegelikult oma loomust? Võib-olla olen temast valesti aru saanud?"
See on hirm ja kartus emotsioonide ning iseenda ees. Mugavdada ennast olukordadega, sest nii on kohane ja kindel. Ohutu... Ohutu on täpne sõna.
Mul on filtri taga väga ohutu viibida. Teades, et siin on mugav, siin on kindlam ja ambitsioonitum. Ühel hetkel avastasin, et ma ei peida tervet end filtri taha. Minu loomus ja kreatiivsus on jäänud teisele poole filtrit. Ma olen pooleks. Mu hing vaatab läbi filtri eksinud soove... Ma vaatan läbi aiaprao ning ei lähe endale appi.
Ma võiksin olukorraga lihtsalt leppida ning saada aru, et võib-olla selline ongi elu... ning samal ajal endale päevade lõpuni sisestada: "Mis siis kui...?" Mis siis kui ma oleksin endale appi läinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin proovinud; mis siis kui ma oleksin jätnud oma mugavustsooni; mis siis kui ma oleksin koputanud.
Mis siis kui...?




Ma võtsin vastu otsuse, kuidas filtri kaotamiseks ma pean tegema ära KÕIK need asjad, mis tekitavad minu sees "Mis siis kui..." efekti.
Noh... ja kui ebaõnnestun - vähemalt siis, ei mõtle ma ealeski enam proovimata ja tegemata jäänud asjadele.
Ja mis siis kui... ma olen enesekindel, et õnnestun?

Tsiteeriks oma ema: "Ole oma soovidega ettevaatlik, need kipuvad täide minema."
Sobib.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

I found myself in Paris. Or did Paris find me?

To sum up. Not for you.
For me - so I could get this all out. 

People won't let you change. Simple as that.
They will take you for granted, how they are used to and as they like. Trust me if I say, that they won't help you to fight with your heartbreak, anger, loss or dry inspiration. They take you as they are used to... but don't feel bad about it or let it bother you - it's just easy for them. 
But now I have lost everything. Yet, yes, I still have all the things physically. But isn't it the most horrifying feeling when you are having it all on paper but not actually owning anything? Not being OK with where you are? Am I over analysing yet this time or do I need a true and a real wake up call from, I don't know, myself? It's time to start healing. 

A week in Paris taught me a lot. About how people are people and you do, sometimes, grow apart from yourself. Let me tell you - it is totally okay. It's normal to feel alone while you have somebody next to you and it is normal to doubt in yourself, in your actions and believe me, it's even normal to make mistakes. 
I picked up my tickets already in the summer... I guess I knew that I would be in this situation and needed to get away. The Universe warned me and I went for it. I reached to the point where I'm not just cracked up but now, I'm totally broken down. I need to take my time and start building myself up. With what I want and NOT with what people expect me to do. 

The realisation didn't come to me by mysterious muse or falling in love with Paris (which of course I did) but it came to me by surprise and more... a bit... "lamish" way. We visited Pompidou center when suddenly the alarm went off and everything got quiet. The magical moment of "what now?" was in the air. And suddenly we were all sent out by the security guards. Everything happened really quickly - you see people panicking but yet trying to calm themselves down, you see them running but being so confused about how serious the situation is. I guess we all know in our guts, at least I knew, that it wasn't a "bomb action" (hopefully). But there was still that doubt. When you see people running and panicking... then you start to realise - am I going to run with them because I'm afraid of the unknown and the life I'm living seems worth fighting... Or am I actually walking because I've reached to the point where I just don't care.
I kept on walking. 
Okay, I picked up my pace a bit because they told me to. That's it. My only thought was, it's actually pretty okay - to die between famous painters would be a death worth achieving. 

After that, in the evening when everything turned out fine (I guess, we still don't know what happened but we are alive), I started to think about myself and how sensible I am. At the same time how cold hearted I can be. What? Exactly. And yet, how my soul is missing a piece or a life or a purpose. Maybe it's missing me. 
Yes, my soul is missing me. 
I started writing down some postcards and found myself in a situation I thought I'm not having (nor I ever will) - I ether live my life with not doing things I want to and I'll accept it or I at least TRY to change something so next time I would feel the urge to run when the alarm goes on. 

So sorry if you are not letting me have my change - the ways, prospectives or creative work. I know I will get slapped because I won't behave the way they want me to, but please do understand that it is for me. And you are for you. And trust me, I don't expect anything from you. 
I'm keeping my sensibility and taking life deeply (you know, it's both a curse and a blessing to feel everything so deeply). But I'm cutting the "bad-ass crap" and making others happy with my "physical" work and never-ending-giving-out emotions. 
It's not "my time" like some people like to say. It's my freaking "life" and...
I'm so young to be this tired of living. (I'm not over analysing - my every true close-one can see this.)

So hello. I'm gonna start finding my roots again, sides that make other people inspired and what inspires me, reasons why I have my tattoo and beliefs that made my success.
But it's all gonna be for me at first. 
Cause being nice is cool! 
But being nice to yourself is now necessity. 

PS: Save me from your wise words. I got this. 
No need for aggressive optimism. 


Picking up books again, looking up the ones who inspire me and shaking off the tensions that I've gained.
I found myself in Paris. Or at least... Paris found me and made me realise what I'm missing - of myself.  

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

... she also wanted to see Paris

She wanted to die but she also wanted to see Paris. 

*Push play*



I escaped so I could ran into myself. 
I wish I could collect my thoughts and put them on paper but I guess they still wouldn't be worthy enough for Paris.  I've been trying to understand and define the feelings it gives me; been trying to describe how I see it - but with no luck. My words would seem such cliches and I would go on and on about how beautiful it is, how magical it makes me feel and how I wish I could stay in this tiny parisian apartment forever. 
But the truth is... it's all that. Honestly and simply, I'm being blinded by the emotions I feel and the beauty I see. 


"Don't fall in love with Paris. You want to stay here. Don't fall in love in Paris. You will need to stay here. Don't come to Paris... if you are planning to go back home - you will leave your heart here."

Give me few more days so I could collect my thoughts. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Take the magical first step

I got so caught up... about wanting everything and wanting it "now."
Wanting to visit every country on my bucket list; taking up every hobby which sounds amazing; making everything, if not perfect, then good enough; wishing to get the approval now; needing my own approval now; wanting the other half and the same time hoping to be alone. Wanting everything quickly or not at all. I don't mean "wanting it easy" but wanting it fast and good enough so it could count. 
And then I got lost.
I got lost and found myself in a rush of living but not actually focusing and doing. Not actually being present with my physical, soul and mind.




So now I have decided to take a step back, look at myself and not realise where I took the wrong step... but what would be the next step on the right path. Can't undo what's done and I'm not getting any younger - so better now than when I'm 60 and think "I could have had the time..."

Taking one country, goal, breath and step at a time. One thing every day that makes me closer to my selected wishes. I know I could do everything, at the same time and make everything mediocrely good... But it tears me apart. Makes me feel like I'm doing everything half-assed.
So on thing at a time.

Let's start. Using the magic.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Late night thoughts and morning words

Push "play"



I'm doing the things I have to do. And not the things I want to do.
Stop telling me it's a part of growing up.
We all know it's not.
It's the part of giving up. There's a grande difference. And I'm ignoring it.


I want to delete all. Erase all the heartbreaks, all doubts, all bruisers and all safeness. I look up to some of my friends who're always sticking onto what means them the most. Not taking any easy ways out(s), not wishing it would all just land on their laps. 
I admire him by sticking onto what matters the most. And not coming here, not starting a new life here but making the most over there. At least not coming here yet. He's making everything true - every movement has a soul, every word has a meaning. Making everything alive and living... even with some great struggle. 
I admire her for delating the accounts but not delating herself. Doing what matters to her and not what matters to others. Staying in if needed, going if wanted and being present. Even in doubt. Being in place. Breaking but not fading away. Her nature is so fragile, soft and lovable, but she still manages to be the biggest fighter I know. 

So cheers to "doing what you love." And cheers to "never stop doing that." 




Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Throwing cool kids around

We raised our glasses to the one and only... and then started dancing like it was the last night in our lives. 

There're some kids I might only see once or twice in a year. And yet we will pick up everything where we left them. And I will admire them, laugh with them and be proud of them forever and ever and ever. And ever. 

One weird group of amazing humans. 



#tbt 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

"Koi No Yokan"

There's a Japanese word for that "we could fall in love" feeling you sometimes get when first meeting a person.
"Koi No Yokan" 

I guess we all get that feeling. The moment you pick somebody of the crowded street or cafe full of people. Locking your eyes onto a stranger have never felt so relaxing. Everything becomes quiet. Sometimes you forgot to look away and you just keep gazing them with strange hope and unknown connection. You literally can't hear. You're literally slowly drowning in to the ones eyes. You literally don't know what the other human is thinking. You stare. Because that's the only thing you actually can do.

But sometimes everything will start racing faster - your heart, the time, the vibes. You get anxious and want to prove yourself to some stranger, who might not even have the "koi no yokan" feeling. And I've discovered that I'm not looking for heart-racing-mind-blowing thing.
I'm looking for blissfulness mixed with passion and getting lost. Looking for the moment when I can't hear my friends talking to me. Blissfulness, when I don't even know if this is real or is the other person just a daydreaming fantasy.

I'm looking for everything to get quiet.
Looking for a whiskey in a teacup.



And whoever commented that I'm not salted caramel and I'm actually whiskey in a teacup. 
Well thank you. 
I was weirdly moved. 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Falling in love in your sleep

Have you ever fallen in love in your sleep?

Ma võin arvata, et olen väga bad-ass ja mulle meeldivad asjad, mis tõstavad bad-assilt mu enesekindlust ja uhkust. Ma võin arvata, et ma ei hooli ja nii ongi lihtsam ja bad-assim. Ma võin ka arvata, et olen väga fearless nagu mu legendaarsete lugudega tatoveering ütleb. Ma võin arvata, et olen väga vapper ise, soovides, et mu maailm keerleks vaid nii nagu minu moraalne kohusetunne sees lubab.




Aga ma pean leppima, et pool minust jääb igaveseks Jasmineks,  Mulaniks ja Spidermani Gwen-iks.
Looking for miracles, inspiration and love.
Aga kes siis tegelikult ei otsiks?

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Mul veab kaardimängus

Ainus, mis minus igavust võib tekitada olen mina ise.

Kui sulle saadetakse teist nädalavahetust järjest tasuta pilet, et minna tantsima ja nautima, siis peab minema. Kui sulle antakse võimalus naerda, siis ole valmis ja ära lõpeta enne, kui on pisarad silmis. Kui sulle antakse võimalus midagi öelda, siis mõtle, loe kolmeni ja ütle - sest koputamata jäänud ust ei tulda kunagi avama. Kui sa taas võidad, siis ole tänulik ning ära võta seda iseenesest mõistetavana. Öeldakse, et sa kasvad siis, kui teed midagi, mis sind hirmutab. Kui õigesti küsida, siis universum vastab sulle - varem või hiljem. Võib-olla omamoodi. Aga vastus tuleb.





Elu on juhus.
Ja juhust tuleb austada.
Kellel ei vea armastuses... sellel veab vähemalt kaardimängus - mis võib vahelduseks lausa päris tore olla.

Monday, September 7, 2015

The simple kind of magic

I like when I have a lot to do. I really do. Because I've learned that I never wanna do something that's not good for me or what won't make a difference in my life... or at least someone else's life.

But I love to leave some room for magic.
To whatever might come next. To have those moment of blissful quietness. Or laughing way too hard while having a spontaneous trip in my neighbourhood. To those old friends I meet while walking home. To the moments I actually have time to stop and talk a bit. To find out how are they doing and give them a bit of my vibe. To the magic I get by talking a longer route to work and finding out beautiful hidden places in my hometown.

Life is the things I have on my calendar... And life is everything in between those appointments and responsibilities.
And the magic... it is everywhere.
In every check-list duty and in every people-watching break. In every person I meet and in every dream I have. In every broken piece I carry alone and in every heartbeat.
The magic is what I live for. Nothing more and nothing less.
The simple kind of magic.




Less is more. 
Less is simply knowing what to do. 
Less is magic. 
If you dare to stay simple. 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

You don't always need a plan

Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens. 


Always waiting for that perfect weather and the perfect human. Waiting for the perfect number on the scale and the perfect phone number to ring. Always waiting to make a move and being 100% sure what the answer would be (before even asking the questions). Waiting to go to sleep and weekends, even when it's a beautiful Tuesday morning.

Do the things that make your hands shake and break your comfort. Better an "oops" than a "what if."

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Muse

One day I'm going to look twice. If not even three times. I will be drowned when the first one happens. My mind will shut down and I will most probably stop breathing for a second or two. Or a lifetime. I'm going to glance a smile that I've always imagined to give. The "Hello!" The "You have a really good vibe with you and I wish I could know you." The "You deserve a good day because you look breathtaking." And ironically you will take my breath away. 
On that day I'm going to ride my bike for two seconds more. In those two seconds I will feel my heart grumble under pressure of "what now" and the pressure of "was that it?" Trust me, I will look again. Of course I will make sure I won't be hitting something with my bike, but I will take a second look. My only wish is to have a bit of your aura with my. Like a souvenir. The looking twice says it all. Is  t h a t  what Universe wants or not. Like on an unrealistic novel. I will be terrified of are you also looking back. If not, then I will survive. And I would carry you in my mind - how this all made my simple day sweeter. If yes, if you would also look twice, the time would stop... It's the magical moment of unknown, courageous heartbeats and wanting to know your name. Moment of wanting to stop and wanting this to be it. I wouldn't want to sabotage the beautiful moment that could become a beautiful memory.
And I will look away again. 

I will breathe deeper and my heart will start beating like it's not suppose to. 
And if I would take a third look. Then you should know I'm hooked. 




Monday, August 24, 2015

Leave room for magic



Push play. 




August owns this special kind of vibe. At least for the last 3-4 years it has been the same.
Connecting to yourself, to the ones you love and to laughter. Everything becomes clearer and more clean. Even if starting the new season is messy... you know you have the good vibes with you.
Enjoying your own company, figuring out what happens next and enjoying the present. Taking chances of seeing new places, being with the ones you love and putting yourself in comfortable yet growing environments. Learning something that you should have known for a long time and realising what you have now. Gazing the sky full of starts, chilling until our bodies get perfectly numb and flirting with life... or whoever comes next. August has been the month of getting it together and realising what your mind and body could do, what they want to do and what they long for.

August owns this special kind of vibe. Love vibe. By seeing your friends getting married, loving your spotify playlists, being with best friends, laughing and arguing with family. Love vibe. By riding bikes, doing acrobatics in old town parks, enjoying a good cup of coffee.
Love vibe.
Realising that you might be out of love. But yet so in with life.

Friday, August 7, 2015

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I can't stick to the things that make me happy. And healthy. In any ways. 
I'm sorry that I've wasted my time. 
I'm sorry that I haven't spent more time with the ones I love. And like. 
I'm sorry that I make some people more important than myself. 
I'm sorry that I didn't walk, because I thought I was going to miss him out. 
I'm sorry that I rather keep those relationships superficial. And I won't even give them a chance. 
I'm sorry that I let them define me. 
I'm sorry that I've let myself down. 
I'm sorry that I still let them in my lives, even if I told myself not to.
I'm sorry that I didn't take the trash out. 
I'm sorry that I said "I love meat" in front of vegans who never said they "hate meat" or "only eat freaking vegetables." And look where I'm turning now.
I'm sorry that I left before things got interesting. 
I'm sorry that I rather spend time with myself than with those who are just wanting to meet so they could moan about life. 
I'm sorry that I was so scared that I had to do it online. 
I'm sorry that I didn't try enough.
Or that I'm not enough. 



Apologising to myself. Learning to.

But I'm not sorry that I've danced till 4am and wandered down-town till 8am. Until drunkenness turned into soberness.
Not sorry that I've made mistakes. The horrible and also the cool ones. Because now I know how to be even better.
And dance even better.
And maybe be "just enough."

Sometimes wrong choices bring us to the right places. So we could dance till we have to go to work. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Almost

My mother asked me: "Why not? What the heck stopped you two?"
And I said: "I don't know."
And then I realised I haven't risked at all. Even though he would have been worth it.

Our "almost" will always haunt me. 

I've always had this picture in my head of myself, how I do stuff; how I make things happen. How I seize the opportunities and run with them. Living fully. High on life. And it is so. Really. Most of the times.
But then the few exemptions happen.
Somehow I keep pushing away things that really mattered to me. Things that make my heart sincerely tickle and vulnerable. I feel stupid of wanting them. I feel childish. I feel so many obstacles that it seems better to die at home than die trying. I feel I'm not worth it and maybe somebody else deserves it more.
Call it cowardly or kindness.
I call it absurdity.



Is he my paragraph, chapter... or a title?
If I can't talk about it. Then I will dance about it. Real soon.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Heart in a different continent

My mom told me that you should never waste someone's time. And yours of course too.
Because time is the gift you can't gain from working hard, studying hard, partying hard, loving even harder.

I guess time teaches you how important it is to look at your past with gratefulness. With open heart and eyes. With open mind and body. It shows you what you can do and what have you missed while doing the opposite of what you want. Time might scare you. You might feel the present now is too short and the future now is too unstable. You can't stop it as long as you want to breathe. Time will come. For the bad things and the good adventures.
There are time for heartbreaks and time for feeling so in love that your heart wants to fly out of your chest. Time for wrong words and right timings - vice versa. Time for forgiving yourself and accepting your choices. Time for connecting again with the ones that left you breathless and time for sending them on their paths.
What a wonderful feeling it is to feel so rich. Full of uncountable seconds, bygone feelings and unknown wanders.

He is the reason why I trust time.
And why I need to trust myself a bit more.



// person-through-my-eyes

When thinking about life, remember this: no amount of quilt can change the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future. 

Friday, July 31, 2015

Midnight thoughts

How did I end up here?

Doing what I said I'd never do, making myself second if not even last, letting people run me over, having either lack of passion or too much of it. Not doing things I really want to do. Finding myself in wrong crowds.
I'm not just manipulating my present with this... I'm running myself off the cliff for my future as well.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Refreshing Tuesday

My mom said there will be days like this.

Days when shower-time is longer than usual and daydreaming is on the highest level. After yoga session I will lie on the floor the next 30 minutes, not even for meditating, but for just being. Days when I would gladly avoid everyone who is too intense, enthusiastic or dramatic. When outside it might be a chill summer day but my own room feels more safe... and safe is all I need. Days when George Ezra becomes my best friend, calming my mind and comforting my heart. All the past "what if-s" are haunting me and they make me think what could have been different. All the bridges I have burned and all the bridges I'm building up again. Mornings turn suddenly into afternoons and afternoons turn into sleep. Thinking turns into talking and talking turns into calm realisation. The answers I've been looking for will just simply arrive to me, everything makes sense and I'm breathing the same pace with life again.
Days when old friends turn new again. Days when I still hope bandages would heal deep wounds. Days where love is far away. Physically.
Days when love is close. Mentally.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Body art

The older I get the more people start to ask me about tattoo. When and Why are probably the most common questions that you can come up with. The next are "Was it painful?" and "What did your mother say?" My favourite one of all is: "Why the heck you needed it needled onto you skin? Couldn't you just leave it?"

I guess a tattoo is forever your best friend. Even when you forgot it's there... it's always there. It has its stories, memories and moments. It's strongly inked onto your skin. It doesn't matter if you met the perfect "match" 3 years before it got inked or you did it by spontaneous urge. It's there.
Same thing is with the friends you make. You could hit it off with a brief second of laughter or similar music taste. But it can also take time.
I took my time. I got used to the idea. I got used to the fact that I'd like it on my wrist. I got used to the fact that I need it on my skin. I grew so deeply in love with it that it was the first thing on my mind in the mornings.

Body art might be something just for fun... or it could show your taste in art, love and thoughts. It might be something to remind you to keep rocking or just something to remind you what home means. Good memories. Stupid adventures. Laughter and tears. Part of you.



Some people are inked onto your skin. Notice them. Thank them. Take care of them.
She is forever inked. If not skin, then heart.
Forever blessed.

// person-through-my-eyes

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Indie-movie with sunshine fields feat. Denmark

PRESS PLAY BEFORE READING *insert happy face* 


I don't care what they say about "life is not a movie." Life is exactly like a movie or your favourite TV-series. But you have to choose it to be.
Life is like "How I Met Your Mother." One day you will realise that you have that close group of friends. They don't have to be friends with each other. But they all have weird characters, wild adventures and love which makes them your family. Life is like the romantic indie movie that you saw when you were all alone, crawled up in bed with Yogi tea and tumblr opened at the same time. Do you ever realise that they had those exact moments also in those movies? That all the characters are sometimes alone and think what to do next? That all the romantic, funny, sad and exciting things could happen to you too?
And don't even expect less. Live every second. Someone might be recording - and it's your brain. Heart. Soul.

Go ahead, take your bike and see that sunset you have dreamed of. I did that. Go without your friends, Instagram or Snapchat. Leave it all to yourself. You don't have to show off, you don't have to tell others where're you at. Just be there, take a second and take a mental picture.

I finally had a Denmark feeling again. Standing there. Watching the sunset. The flat yet adorable mountains around me. The feeling of feeling placed. Like I felt there when I took walks near the fields; when I looked at their hopeful, playful and happy faces; when they enjoyed singing together even more than estonians. The feeling of feeling right, two feet on the ground but head in the clouds. The feeling of "you are enough and life's a darling little adventure."
And yes, everything wasn't and is not pretty... but I always had the knowing that the sun will come out after the rain (at least at some point) and hygge will took place in the evening when everything is in the dark.
Denmark makes you feel like you're safe; makes you understand that it needs some time to blend it but it will be worth it... all the time before the tragic end it felt like home.
I guess I will always do.

And now I stand here and understand that we need to build some bridges up again. Call a friend, get connected to yourself again or visit your favourite country... Even if you have made some bad mistakes in the past. Even if the people that mean a lot wouldn't expect to hear those words from you... even if they maybe have forgotten you. Say it. Say you miss them and you're sorry. Say that they changed your life in a weird, small but significant way. Thank them.
Don't let your cold head take over your warm heart. I've made that mistake. You'll be better.

Be better in the present. The past you is now... well left in the past!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

I keep falling over

I keep falling over and apart. 



Positivus 2015. Every year it leaves me with broken thoughts. But at the same time with a feeling of being somehow completed. It leaves me with messed up sleeping schedule but at the same time with the most relaxed mind. It leaves me with the "what now" but feeds me with life at the same time. 

I know I have matured. It was the moment when I understood and realised that every situation doesn't need a reaction. Sometimes I just have to leave people to continue to do the lame shit that they do. One day they will realise... that they either messed up; couldn't see what was in front of them or let their pride take over their heart. The time will come. But I will be there - 'cause giving up on people is lame, ignoring is for reckless ones and not making your life better is too easy. 

But loving them goes never out of style. 
And in that moment I knew... I'm getting older. And probably falling in love. 
(with life)

Will there be something left of me tomorrow?

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Mis ta nimi on?

Ma ei tea tema nime.  

Lemmiktegevused on hilised avastused. See, kuidas ta hommikuti paneb esimesena maha parema jala, et ebaõnne vältida. Viisid, mida ta kasutab inspiratisooni tekkeks inspireerivad omakorda mind. Lõunad, mis koosnevad ideedest, projektidest, lobas ja headest tuttavatest on igapäevane komme. Teretada vaid koos peanoogutusega ja hüvastijätuks jagada kõigile puudutusi. Ma ei tea neid lõhnasid, mis uimastavad ta meeli. Samuti neid sõnu, mis uimastavad ta südame. Tundmatud on ta hommikurutiinid, milles ta on veendunud, et tal puuduvad need. Uskumused, mida on voolinud ta vanemad. Laulud, mis on kirjutatud punastavatest põskedest ning varjatud esimese armastuse eest. Tema ideaalsed suvepäevad maal ja soojasse kampsunisse mässitud keha külmal vanalinna pärastlõunal. Variandid, kuidas öelda "head ööd." Inimesed, kellele ta on saanud öelda "head ööd." Ma ei tea toite, mis kunagi ta kõhtu ei paita ning kas eelistab kohvi või teed. Kas teeb talle nalja elu üle juurdlemine või elab ta vaid analüüsitud pettekujutlemaga. Või elab ja hingab ta hoopis vaid elektroonikaga. 

Ma ei ole kindel ta silmade värvis ega ka pintsakus, mis ta enesekindlust tõstab. Tema vanemaid ei tunneks tänaval ära ning ei saaks aru, kumma moodi on ta rohkem. 
Ma ei tea tema ootusi. Samuti ka enda omasid mitte, sest mul puuduvad need teadamatuse tõttu. 
Küll aga tean tundeid, mida tekitavad telefonihelina kõlad, hingamissagedus ja närviliselt värisev jalg. Tundeid, kui kõik head ja vead teevad kokku hoopis õnneliku avastuse. Kui kõik naljad on naljakamad, kui nad tegelikult on. Tunded, mis tekitavad aja peatumisest, silma vaatamisest. Ja need, mis tekivad murest, kui aega on liiga vähe. 

Ma hoolitseksin kodu ja tema hoolitseks une eest, ma õnne ja ta õnnelikkuse eest. Hoolitseks naeru ja tema aga toetuse eest ning koos hoolitseksime teineteise südamete eest. 
Ma hoolitseksin tantsu ja tema muusika eest, mina sihtpunktide ning tema teekonna eest. Hoolitseksin ka vahel vaikuse eest ja tema autosõidujutu eest. Hoolt kannaksime ka nõrgemate eest. 
Ja kõike vastupidi. 
Mina enda ja tema enda eest. Samal ajal ka teineteise eest. 


Ma ei tea tema nime. Ja isegi mitte ta nägu. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Me oleme taimed

Mis ühele imeilus viljapõld, kus suviti autoga mööda sõita ning peatuda unistusteks... see teisele töö ja perele leiva tooja. 



Me oleme taimed.
Ja ainus imeline selgitus, mis ma selle all mõtlen on see, et meie sarnasused ja erinevused teineteisega on hämmastavad. Ja hämmastavalt ilusad.

Kujuta ette kahte lille samast sordist. Võtame näiteks roosid. Seemnest tärkavad lilled. Enne seda otsustab ema, kuhu need kasvama panna. Üks ostab poest ja poetab koju potti. Armsasse vanalinna korterisse, mille hõng paneb taime vaikselt tärkama. Teine ostab poest ja poetab kodus aeda. Armsasse Lõuna-Eesti kirsipuudega maja taha, kus tal on ruumi kujutlusvõimeks, et kasvada suureks. Üks ja see sama sort. Võib-olla ka sama värvusega. Aga täiesti teine valmimine.
Me ei saa võrrelda sama sordi kasvamist ja arenemist; panna neid võistlema, kumb on parem ja halvem. Neil on olnud teised teekonnad. Teised võimalused. Teine muld ja "ema." Ning samuti nad ka kasvavad teistsuguseks.

Kujuta ette kahte lille samast sordist. Võtame näiteks tulbid. Tulbisibulast tärkavad ühel vanaema pannkoogihommikused kollased õied. Või ärkavad teisel tulbisibulast erkroosad päikeseloojangu toonidega nupud. Kuidas teha selgeks ühele neist, et tema ilu on sama, mis teisel. Kuidas teha selgeks, et teiste ilu võib imetleda ka enda omas kahtlemata. Kuidas teha selgeks, et on keegi, kellele meeldivad tulbid... ning kirsiks tordil veel täpselt tema tooni.

Kujuta ette metsikut aeda koos põõsaste, puude, lillepeenarde ning umbrohuga. Milliste erinevustega on nemad koos elanud. Keda õpivad nad tundma ja nägema. Kellega nad harjuvad üleüldse elama. Ja siis kujuta ette neid maitsetaimi su köögi aknalaual, kelle ainukesteks sõpradeks on naaber münt ning naabri-naaber meliss. Ta on kasvanud nendega üles. Nii peabki tema meelest maailm veerema ja arenema. Ta ei olegi harjunud lopsakate õunapuudega, mille all lapsed suviti pentangi mängivad. Ta on harjunud unistama ja valima enda ümber naabreid hoolikalt.

Kujuta ette kahte potilille: kaktust ja jõulutähte. Mõlemad on sul kodus truud kaaslased. Üks vajab vett vähe, seisab tihti üksi ja okkaliselt. Teine tärkab ja saab su kodust osa enne jõule, kui puhkeb ta õitsele ja kaunistab periooditi su elutoa lauda. Kas sa saad neid võrrelda? Mille alusel? Maitse? Meeldivuse? Kuid see ei ole ju päris õiglane võrdlus... See on puhas huvide eripära.

Me oleme taimed.
Vaatamata oma sarnasustele oleme nii erinevad. Vaatamata erinevustele oleme nii sarnased. Lõpeta oma teekonna võrdlemine teisega, kellel ei ole sinuga sama nimi. Ära tõuka eemale neid, kes paistavad võõrana - sest samuti paistad sina ka neile.
Näe enda ja elu ilu nii nagu imetled oma lemmiklilli; kirsipuid, mis poetavad sulle magustoitu ning salapäraseid troopikataimi, kelle kauge päritolu tundub nii eksootilisena.
Ei ole vaja enam ette kujutada. On aeg seda kõike näha.

Mis ühe jaoks on umbrohi, on teise jaoks võilillepärg, mis kaunistab tuule käes juukseid.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Ready to give up my time

I'm ready to dive deeper than the surface. I'm ready to care.

Ready for having the hopelessly romantic songs stuck in my head and the laughter that is a bit more higher than usual. Spending whole day in bed and having still the time of my life. Feeling of not wanting to be alone. Pushing responsibilities and sleep further. Not caring about date, time or the weather. Forgetting the fishes in the sea. Ignoring the "wanna-be"s and focusing on the one's eyes only. Having so many activities to do, so many stories to tell and so many touches to give and receive.

Ready for someone who will break my routine.
And it will be worth it.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

#auskaisa2015

Ma alustasin aastat, et olla aus.
Mitte, et mina ja inimesed mu ümber oleksid niivõrd valelikud. Vaid aus mõistes, et ma olen aus iseendaga - mida ma tunnen, soovin, mõtlen ja vajan. Mitte, mida ma tahan ning veel hullem "tahaksin." Kõik algas väga lihtsalt. Ma ütlesin, mida mõtlesin; põletasin sellega palju sildu, sõitsin välja mitmest sadamast ja soovisin esmalt teha enda sees kõik korda, et saaksin taas jagada energiat teistele. Puhastada ennast ja korrastada oma mõtted, õppida tõeliselt tundma, kes ma olen.

Ma täitsin väiksena ka ise oma sõbraraamatut (kõlab naljakalt, aga ma tahaks teada inimest, kes seda ei teinud või kellele see ei meeldinud), sest oli tore mõelda, kes ma olen ja mis mulle meeldib. Mis film on tõesti mu lemmik ja mis loom iseloomustaks mind. Mis mulle meeldis eelmine aasta ja milliseks inimeseks olen ma kasvanud nüüd. Miks? Me oleme unustanud iseenda. Sest nüüd üha enam me kipume mõtlema välismaailmale - mis toimub mujal, kuidas on meie kallimatel. Keskendume sellega probleemidele, mis saavad alguse kaugelt. Ei, meie ei olegi otseselt süüdi ebameeldivates asjades, mis võivad juhtuda meist 4000 km kaugusel. Küll aga on süüdi inimesed. Ning et takistada halba ei tohi tuld tulega kustutada. Peale on vaja lasta voolata natukene vett, et tuli kustuks ning uus saaks jõudu taas kasvada. Seega iseenda tutvustamine endale viib esmalt meid balanssi hinges. Üks inimene on juba muutus. Mitte loota kellelegi peale
seitsme maa ja mere taga, et tema saaks sellest elust aru nii nagu meie. Kas meie ise saame? Kõige pealt mina ja siis aitan maailma.

Ehk mõtlen esmalt iseendale - mis on minu eesmärk iseendaga ning siis maailmaga. Kui me kõik keskenduks iseenda headusele ning loobiks seda ringi nii nagu me loobime halbu kommentaare... siis oleks nii mõnedki asjad teisiti.
Istume maha ja mõtleme, mis on meie nimi, miks, kellega me jagame perekonda, mis muusika teeb meid õnnelikuks ja milline toit kasvatab keha. Paneme voolama endas ausa vee, mis ei vii meid silmakeerutusteni ja eelarvamuseni. Mõtleme enne kui ütleme... aga ärme jäta sellepärast asju ütlemata. Ole aus - ole haavatav - ole inimene. Mida rohkem aus oled sa endaga, seda lihtsam. Raske on neil, kellega sa oled aus ja kes ei suuda endaga ausad olla. Nad ei oska reageerida. Nad ei näe kõrgemalt probleeme - ainult upuvad nende sees. Anna neile aega ja võimalust.

Kõik võtab aega. Kui kõik on paigas, siis miski lööb selle ikka rütmist välja. Aga elu sääne ongi. Tuleb aksepteerida kahetsusi, teha parimat nüüd ja praegu ning kindlasti mitte muretseda tuleviku pärast, mis reaalselt ei ole meile ette kirjutatud.

See ei ole survestamine agressiivsele optimismile; see on endas rahu leidmine ning nautimine -
kuidas headus ei levi mitte nagu kulutuli... vaid levib nagu armastus.


Monday, July 6, 2015

Life got in the way

I was waiting for the "right moments" and convincing myself that I'm with the "right person." I looked for something that was "right" for the eye even though I were the one who was always appreciating the things that are not viable for the eyes. I got caught up by the "right things to say," the "right grades to get" and the "right breaks to take." I was doing all the "right moves" to be me - inside and out; doing the "right calls" to get to the places I wanted to be. I only showed the "right emotions" suitable for the situation.

Luckily one day I took my head out of the "right sandbox" and realised that I have lived somehow the wrong way. The left way. The unnecessary way. The "not-actually-me" way. I can't even find the "right" words to describe it. I guess... the not-suitable-way & not-seeing-any-improvement-way.
I was so dedicated myself to the "right things" that I lost the meaning of doing those things.

So this is why honest-Kaisa-2015 (#auskaisa2015) became brutal to use. Not just to say things out to people who hurt you or who you love - but also show yourself that being honest is like being fearless (which is not the absence of having fears - it's the meaning of fighting against them). So becoming honest wasn't my objective because I was the criminal kid who always lied her way into good or bad. It meant understanding the present.
What hurts you, what makes you laugh, what you want to say but are too scared to say, what you think you have and what you would like to have. Honestly sincere, honestly sad, honestly making decisions that are 100% based on your own good and health. And also honestly caring and trying to make things better for others. Having compassion and passion towards family, friends, strangers, life, laughter and tears. Being honestly fearless.

In my world it's just me against the world. No, not against. Me with the world.
And it's the same for everybody. Born with a Final Cut Pro... making our own movies. In our heads and with our hands.



Friday, July 3, 2015

Time, me and the sea

Traveling is about sun kissed skin, cute eye contact and not knowing what happens next. 
Losing time in the same continent. 



I finally lost myself in time, me and the sea.
I breathe in the salty air, the warm summer breeze and words which I don't understand. I manage to get nothing done but that's the whole plan. To do nothing and at the same time explore everything. Or at least let the wind blow my boat to one way and then the other. Let the waves shake me until I find my center and language again. I feel the sand crumble between my fingertips and skin. It's the sound of feeling alive and enjoying the sleep; walking as far as I can and sitting every time when possible; it's the sound of thinking and releasing.
Then I understood that I lost myself in me... with time, responsibilities and people.
I found myself in the sea.
Doing nothing but being everything.


I don't trust people who won't give a chance to discover mountains, enjoy beach hair or find peace in summery Europe. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Lose every sense of time

If you are going to be tired... be tired like a sloth and relocate yourself to somewhere good. 

I get too excited of living and too scared of the fact that life is passing me by...
And now I'm here. Tired of trying to see, do and be everything. Tired of holding my eyes open and making sure I'm not missing anything inspirational. Tired of sleepless nights when my brain is working in full speed and dreams feel more real than reality. Tired of hoping to make everything work when sometimes things just need to brake down.
So now it's time to rest. Reset. Restart. Take a breath or two and just zone out. Push the snooze button. Have everything in slow motion and put everybody "on silent."
Time to talk less. Listen to more music. And quietness of my thoughts. And dreams.


Inimene on protsess. Ning see teeb inimeseks olemise väga võluvaks. See, et sa pidevalt muutud.